I don't know what is going on recently.... I have been really confused recently..... Just now, Clairence told me that Vik wanna get back with her again.... and she told me that she still has feelings for him.... At the same time, she told me that she didn't accept him....

Well, I don't know if it's normal for you guys or not but, I did ask her, if she still loves me.... and well, she asked me not to ask that question and she kinda got mad at me because I sorta doubted her love.... Hmm.... I mean I guess it's normal...

And not long after that, after she woke up, she had this MSN title,"Where are you? Why are you not replying me?" My reaction was, who did she meant because I didn't get anything from her... So I asked her and she said I just wanna put it, why do you have to ask me so many things? Well, isn't it normal for me to ask after so many things happened? And again she said I doubted her love and this time, she proposed breakup.... Shocking wasn't it? Like in my previous post, I already mentioned that I know that something is bound to happen just that I don't know what.....

Well I guess I didn't see it coming..... I begged her and talked her through it.... And she finally gave me a chance.... But she deleted our relationship status, she is about to delete her blog which has alot of our memories and guess what? She wanna open a new facebook account....Wouldn't a normal guy feel suspicious?

I am tired of all the lies and after so many times she had hurt me....

I tried my very best to trust her.... I don't care even if she had hurt me.... I don't know if I should make use of the last chance she had given me.... I know that I still love her and I don't wanna lose her... But what is the difference between what I have now and breaking up? She doesn't wanna answer my questions.... She doesn't wanna talk to me.... All she is doing is treating me as a dirtbag..... I don't know if I can trust her anymore....

God... why do you have to give me feelings? Why do you wanna let me be the one who suffer all these things? I don't wanna love anymore..... I don't wanna get into a relationship anymore....... I should have listened......

I guess this will be my last and my final time writing on this very blog.... and I can't believe that the final post will turn out to be like this.... I will be freezing this blog from now onwards... I guess I do need a new fresh start and leave everything behind...... Well, this is it... I thank you for those who always read my blog and follows it.... I love you all....

Last night was the last time for me to go clubbing.... I didn't know that the time passed so quickly until the house music appears.... I thank you, Mario, Jason, Soo and David for being a part of this party... It was quite shocking when Daph suddenly sent me a message,"Jai, change of plans las min. We are in MOS." It was hard to look for her because it was already packed at that time... Thank you Boey for spending most of your time in my group... I had the most satisfying dance last night.. I chose MOS as my final ground because it has the best dance floor so far in the whole Malaysia, although house music was played continuously from 1.45am-2.30am.... Pictures will be uploaded soon... ^^

Another thing is, about Clairence.... She has been pretty busy these few days for her camp activity back in her college and she had not much of time to care and talk to me.... So, I kinda misunderstood her for ignoring me and being cold to me. I don't know... I do not doubt her, I am just afraid that our distance is getting farther and farther... My friend, M who has been dating his gf, D for 3 years just had problems recently and now they are calling for time out.... I just don't want that to happen to us......... I am sorry I hurt you over and over again... Maybe I am just not good enough for you? I don't know... All I know is that I wish that I will be able to love you for as long as I live......

I will be undergoing my operation on Monday.... Doc said that I don't have to worry about it because it is just a minor operation... Maybe I won't be able to walk normally in around 2-3 days time... And everything after that is full recovery for my knee... Hope nothing goes wrong and everything will be fine.... I wanna dance like normal again...

Gotta start off by screwing YungChuan and Mario...... They have put me in the DoTA mood again..... The reason was given by Mario as: DONT WORRY!!! ADD/DROP WEEK IS NOT OVER... YOU CAN SKIP CLASS!!!! So ended up skipping 2 Linear Algebra class and 1 Engineering Dynamics class.... My classmates keep calling me on the phone and I didn't even bother to pick up....

Another thing is, I got myself into 2 design competitions just recently... One by Majlis RekaBentuk Malaysia and the other by IME CAD/CAM..... Both also have the same theme, green technology... I wanted to do GreenHome Technology, lower energy consumption, higher efficiency of building's ventilation, and residents will be able to breathe in fresh air... I was able to find 2 friends, one Civil Engineering and one Electrical and Electronic Engineering student. However, my biggest mistake was that they weren't looking for the concept but the design of a PRODUCT.... I am now doing my design project alone, freaking lots of stress and commitment... I do not know if I can go on with 3 tough subjects this semester, 2 competitions and an upcoming Faraday IET Design Competition....

The most important thing is...... My dearest Clairence and me has already been together for a month... She was the one who can always make me happy after a whole day of stress... Sometimes I just lose my temper on her but somehow, she knows how to control me and my temper... We have been through so many ups and down.... Last night, at 11pm, I thought back about the conversation we had one month ago.... It was a really nice chat that night and that night itself she made me the happiest person on earth... She was also the one who chose the date 090809, which is much more special than the date I thought of choosing 080809...

I still remember the first time when she wrote to me in MSN, I like you.... I ask her whattt?! you serious?? and she said yeah cannot ha? Then I asked her again,"Are you joking?" and she just said Do I look like I am joking? I was just shocked but as time goes by, I started thinking about the things we both had done... messing around each other, playing the stupid game Sushido, stealing each other's crops in Barn Buddy and calling each other with stupid names.... And thinking about it, just made me realised how much we have gone through to be in this relationship.... I just know that our relationship didn't come easy.... We both had a tough time to initiate our relationship... And the very next day, she sent me a sms,"Darling, WE ARE OFFICIALLY TOGETHER NOW!!!!" I just couldn't hold my tears at that time.... I was waiting for the answer for about 1 week since I asked her,"Will you accept me?"

All I know is, Clairence, there is no one in this world like you that can make me change.... no one in this world earns my trust, no one but you... Happy 1month anniversary honey... and I love you very much.... Be with me for eternity.....

I had a really good chat with Claire last night.... The amount of kisses and I Love You from her was uncountable... I was really happy talking to her about what we had been through for this past month being with her and past 2 months knowing her...

It was really a bumpy ride and it was amazing that we had always gone through any challenges ahead of us... From our break up, to another guy's appearance, to another girl's appearance which caused me to doubt our relationship...

I guess all these challenges really brought us 2 together even closer (hopefully)... It's funny when we looked back into the nights we both cried and laughed at it the next night...

I am happy to have her beside me and I couldn't help asking her a few times,"Honey, do you know that I love you very much?" and "Will you ever leave me?Promise that you won't". Seeing people crumble in relationship and even myself sometimes makes me afraid....

But now, I don't anymore, I guess... I feel that I can really trust my dumb dumb chuuchuubii alot... Because I know that she loves me alot too... Honey, I hope that this relationship will last for eternity and I am really happy that it is still going well for the both of us....

P.S I love you lots... and even though I know you don't like the name Chuuchuubii, you will always be my one and only Chuuchuubii... Muackss

At first I set the song which Claire sang to me as my ringtone... Finally after quite sometime she has already chosen Celine Dion's To Love You More.... that song is very touching and everytime I listen to it, I wanna ask Claire to dance with me...

She has already cut the song, sent to me and reminded me to set it as my message tone so that I will listen to it a lot of times......

Claire I love you lots....

Just now, Claire just smsed me saying that her jie (Wei Lin) was stressful and was in dilemma whether she wanted to resign or not... and if she resigns and wants to continue her studies, then Claire will follow her along and that she will finish all her subjects by this year... which means she could be leaving for foreign countries anytime next year. I myself will be leaving for Canada for 2.5 years next year September which means we will be back to Malaysia almost the same time...

But I am just scared... Things would be different in this 3 years time... We can't call like we used to.... We can't sms each other all the time.... And what is worse... Our timezone is ultimately different. Ohh honey, I just hope that you'd wait for me, just like I'd wait for you...

I love you with all my heart, Claire...... I really do

Clairence
I do not mean to doubt your love in the first place......
I am sorry....

I lived a life full of lies ever since I was born
Family, friends, and everybody that I know
use each other to get what they want.....

Therefore, I always have this trust issue....
I never did try to trust people easily....
Sometimes I myself could be just so cold blooded,
selfish
and lie on my part to get what I want....

I have cheated my friends, I have lied to my family, I even have cheated in relationships....

Maybe because I don't wanna get hurt myself,
or maybe I'm just another selfish bastard
who grew up the hard way.....
and learnt about reality in such a young age.....

I had my whole day thinking about it
about what I have done last night and this morning....
It was just plain stupid and dumb....

And it was my mistake......
I know you are someone whom I could trust
I never felt this stupid before doubting the love
the love that you have given me all these while.....

All I wanna ask is just you to forgive me...
I am still adapting to this change...
I know it is not easy but
I hope you know that I am willing to change
I will change for a better person
And I will learn to understand your feelings as well....

Clairence, I was just so afraid that I would lose you that I overreacted last night when I know that the only person that I could trust is you... I am sorry Clairence.... and

I love you